I Thought You Were Gone.

Last Tuesday evening (Isabella's 5th birthday) I had a scare.

The worst pregnancy scare a momma could have.

I was rushed to the ER where the doctor told me my hcg levels were very low.

Where they told me this could be the beginning of a miscarriage.

My heart and earth shattered. I cried. I sobbed. I tucked myself into a dark hole.

Another miscarriage? Why?

I got my hcg levels checked on Friday. A little over 48 hours since my last draw.

I waited patiently, knowing that the results would be not what I prayed for.

I answered the phone on the first ring.

The doctor asked me how I was doing. I told her okay. Just okay.

She surprised me.

"Your levels have more than doubled since the ER visit."

What? How is this possible?

She explained to me that some women bleed in pregnancy. No explanations, they just did.

I had my ultrasound yesterday.

5 weeks 4 days.

Still pregnant.

Gestational sac? Check. Yolk sac? Check.

I am still pregnant. Very, very scared. But very, very pregnant.

The One w/Paranoia

Back in May of 2005 I had a miscarriage. It was shocking, sad and it honestly took Leo and me a long time to mentally feel better. It was a blighted ovum and my symptoms of a miscarriage weren't the typical miscarriage symptoms when you think of what someone may go through.


Anyway. With both girls I was paranoid and freaked out for the entire first trimester. Once I could feel them move around I was pretty comforted for the rest of my pregnancies. With Leo gone I swear my paranoia is in overdrive. I am terrified that something is wrong, that I'm not pregnant, scared of every twinge and feeling. I'm also freaked out because I am nowhere near as sick as I was with the girls. With Madelyn I took a break from blogging I was so sick...and here I am with this pregnancy. A little nauseated, but not too bad.


I hate feeling like this. And to make matters worse I am alone here, you know? I have the girls, but I can't exactly talk to them about it. They do make me feel better just knowing that I have them already--does that make any sense? Probably not...I'm sure this post sounds like a lot of rambling, but I just need to get it out.


I know there is nothing that I can do except pray that everything will work out. I wish I knew when my first ultrasound was  going to be. I have my first appointment with the nurse tomorrow to turn in my paperwork. Maybe they will help ease my fears? Ugh. Who knows...the military health care system is totally different than most health care systems.


So, here I am 8 weeks pregnant today and praying my little heart out that everything is okay...and sorry if this post just jumped around and had your head spinning. I just really needed to get out my fears and realize that I cannot always control every aspect of my life--no matter how much I wish that I could.