Sunday, September 26, 2010

The One w/Paranoia

Back in May of 2005 I had a miscarriage. It was shocking, sad and it honestly took Leo and me a long time to mentally feel better. It was a blighted ovum and my symptoms of a miscarriage weren't the typical miscarriage symptoms when you think of what someone may go through.


Anyway. With both girls I was paranoid and freaked out for the entire first trimester. Once I could feel them move around I was pretty comforted for the rest of my pregnancies. With Leo gone I swear my paranoia is in overdrive. I am terrified that something is wrong, that I'm not pregnant, scared of every twinge and feeling. I'm also freaked out because I am nowhere near as sick as I was with the girls. With Madelyn I took a break from blogging I was so sick...and here I am with this pregnancy. A little nauseated, but not too bad.


I hate feeling like this. And to make matters worse I am alone here, you know? I have the girls, but I can't exactly talk to them about it. They do make me feel better just knowing that I have them already--does that make any sense? Probably not...I'm sure this post sounds like a lot of rambling, but I just need to get it out.


I know there is nothing that I can do except pray that everything will work out. I wish I knew when my first ultrasound was  going to be. I have my first appointment with the nurse tomorrow to turn in my paperwork. Maybe they will help ease my fears? Ugh. Who knows...the military health care system is totally different than most health care systems.


So, here I am 8 weeks pregnant today and praying my little heart out that everything is okay...and sorry if this post just jumped around and had your head spinning. I just really needed to get out my fears and realize that I cannot always control every aspect of my life--no matter how much I wish that I could.

24 comments:

♥Amber Filkins♥ said...

Oh dear friend, I will be saying a lot of prayers for peace. I do know how you are feeling, and I even can relate to the feelings of paranoia and rambling. You are NOT crazy to feel scared. But I do hope and pray that all of your fears will be put to rest soon.

I also say that you have to follow your gut. Tell them your fears tomorrow, and they will (hopefully) put your mind at ease with an ultrasound or something. And I will pray.

♥♥

Amber
Silver Lining

Pamela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pamela said...

I know exactly how you feel. I had 5 miscarriages prior to Nathan. I spent the entire 1st Trimester frozen in fear. Feeling him move helped a lot and once I made it to 25 weeks, I knew he at least had a chance. You've seen him, he's a MOOSE. ;) You know how to find me if you want to talk to someone that's been there too.

-Pam

Lakeyshia said...

Oh sweetie...I can relate to your feelings, but I am sure this baby is there and thriving! ;) Perhaps it's a boy this time and that's why you feel different??? :) Many prayers and good baby vibes going your way...check out meetup.com it really helped me when Shaun was in Korea I was able to meet up with play groups. They did mommy nites also which was a nice distraction. Be strong sweetie, Love ya.

Carrie said...

I was so sure things were going to go wrong during both of my pregnancies as well. And I wasn't dealing with everything else you have going on on top of it. I'm glad you are able to blog about it so that I can tell you that your whole family, new little one included, are in my prayers tonight.

Anti-Supermom said...

Prayers. You will find peace soon enough.

I hope you can convince them of a little sneak-peek ultrasound tomorrow ;)

Pink Haired Momma said...

oh chelle i am with you hun! Big hugs! I miscarried this last august. im still not over it yet. I also had 2 miscarriages before Baby DIVA. When i was pregnant with her i was FREAKED out every second of every day until she was born. I think it is natural momma. You will find you inner peace soon. Tell you dr you fears and maybe he will let you have a qucik sneak peak!!

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

Oh Chelle! I can understand how you are feeling. I am still afraid for us to try again because I am scared that it will happen again.

I'll be praying for your worries to be eased and that all is perfect with the little bun in your oven. If you share your concern with your doctor could they do an ultrasound earlier than normally scheduled to check to make sure all is okay?

Lauranie said...

I've been thinking alot about you lately...sorry I've been so absent! You are a strong person and an AWESOME momma. It could just be the stress from the last couple of months preparations. Be calm, be happy, be blessed! Hugs, and prayers for you and Leo!! xo

adrienzgirl said...

Chelle I will pray that your anxiety will be replaced with peace and happiness.

Don't worry so much, all three of my pregnancies were different. :)

Kmama said...

I think we all go through that...and yours is just magnified because you ARE all alone. Hang in there. I hope you get an answer as to when your first ultrasound will be.

Any way you can convince them to do a viability scan?? My doctor routinely orders them early on in the pregnancy...and with a history of miscarriage, they might okay it if you ask.

Erinsgobragh said...

Hang in there Chelle. I was freaked out my first tri too. Especially since this was my first pregnancy and because of all the medication I am on do deal with my pain and my arm. I constantly felt guilty for having to take it and putting Sam at risk for defects and withdraw problems after she was born. But things worked out! Sam came out perfect (except she's got my feet, her second toe is longer than her big toe lol). Things will be ok. We are all here for you, Leo is there for you even if it's through e-mail.
We love you!

Loukia said...

Oh, gosh, Chelle... happy, positive, wonderful thoughts and prayers going your way! Your baby will be okay, stay strong and happy and positive. :) Your children will have a new little one to love before you know it! Hugs, mama.

Clare said...

oh, i totally felt that feeling with ellie. we had gone through so much infertility stuff that i just was worried that it wasn't going to work out. i will be thinking of you, these next few weeks are the hardest!!

Mellisa Rock said...

Feeling so heartbroken for you this morning - I felt this same way when I was pregnant with my last child. I hope that you can convince your doctor to do an ultrasound early so that you can see everything is ok.

mommablogsalot said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be on you - I had that paranoia with my second pregnancy for no real good reason - Maybe we all have that paranoia, even if we haven't experienced something so awful. But you do have two beautiful examples that THIS works. ::hugs::

Lindsay said...

(((HUGS))) Wish I could be there for you to chat too! Maybe the lake of nausea means ur having a boy.. or maybe you just wont get sick at all this time since God knew it would be hard for you to handle with Leo was gone. I hope they can ease your fears tomorrow! I will be praying for peace of mind!

Rebecca D said...

{{{{Chelle}}}}
I'll be praying for you!

Elaine A. said...

I was always a little paranoid about that happening to me as well. I think it's natural, to an extent. I hope some of your fears will be calmed when you see the nurse. I'll pray for you to have peace.

P.S. Don't forget to come enter the giveaways on my blog and thank you SO much for posting the button!

purseblogger said...

I love you girl {{{HUGS}}}
I feel like a broken record but you are in my prayers

toychronicles said...

Congrats on the big news!! You'll be fine, just take it one day at a time. Enjoy your pregnancy, don't let it be miserable ;)

Krystyn said...

Praying happy thoughts for you...it's so hard to be the mom, isn't it? You worry about them from the day you find out you are pregnant!

I hope you can let some of that worry go away. Thinking about you.

Erin said...

I am praying for you too honey! Big hugs!!

amanda said...

been there friend. so not easy. totally understand.

deep breaths.

xoxo