Tuesday, October 27, 2009

*Sigh*

I feel torn a lot of the time. Torn between spending quality time with both of my girls. Torn on feeling like sometimes I just feel like I'm the world's worst mom.

Now, I know that isn't true. Not true at all. But the honest truth is that I *think* I am too hard on myself. I sometimes *pretend* I am super mom and I can complete everything that needs to be completed. Resulting in me staying up way. too. late. As in it's already the next day by the time I collapse onto my bed.

Which results in me being tired. And if the girls are grouchy it makes me grouchy. I know that I am only human, but it doesn't make me feel any less lousy if I snap at Isabella for another battle. Whether it be changing her diaper, brushing her teeth, cleaning her nose, washing her hair, fixing her hair. Girlfriend makes it all a power struggle. And it exhausts me. Don't get me wrong--I love how headstrong she is. I love that she is up for challenges. But every single day? That itself is tiring. Most of the time she is happy, silly and a total sweetheart. But this week has been hard. I had thought that maybe she was getting sick because of the amount of screaming and crying...but, no, she's just having a bad week. My heart hurts that I can't do anything else to help her be *happy*...and my heart hurts even more when I snap at her to just stop.

And poor Madelyn. Today when I was loading her into the car I told her how sorry I was that Isabella sometimes doesn't understand that I'm her momma, too. That I'm sorry when Isabella scratches her because she is jealous of Maddie getting a few moments of mommy time. It breaks my heart and makes me tear up at writing any of this. Maddie is the sweetest and happiest baby that I've ever met. I'm not kidding. She is wonderful. And I thank God that she is so happy, so sweet. And I also believe that God just knows that I need that right now. I need someone to be appreciative...to smile at me even when she is upset due to being hungry, she still gives me that huge smile of hers.

And then because I am exhausted I get irritable with Leo for why can't he just pick Madelyn up instead of playing his stupid video games. I get jealous of Leo for getting time to himself--even if it's only driving to and from work--it's still time he has all. to. himself. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. But I also love remembering who I am. Regrouping. Clearing my head.

And then I cry...a lot...because of my weight. I hate it. I hate that it makes me this upset to see myself. I hate that when I see thin moms I get so jealous. I hate that I have hurt my knee with both running and the 30 day shred. I hate that it's raining a lot and I can't take the girls to go walk. I hate that I had swine flu and am finally feeling better. I know that crying won't solve anything. I know feeling like this won't do a thing. But it still sucks.

I feel bad for feeling bad! Crazy, right?! Crazy how hard I am on myself. Crazy that I am blessed beyond blessed to have so much good in my life and yet I still manage to find pity on things...

I'm not meaning to complain, I'm just trying to get these frustrations out so tomorrow when I wake up I'll be in a much better mood than today. And I think that it's worked. Because now I am going to bed. And going to wake up HAPPY.

Thanks for making it this far into reading this...sorry to be such a debbie downer!

21 comments:

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

No, not crazy.

Don't feel bad for feeling bad.
WHINE, eat chocolate, whine some more and get some sleep!

It works for me.


(hugs)
and this will pass....

Becks said...

So normal girlfriend!!

I dont have a second baby and I cant imagine how much that changes things and makes everything that much harder. Some days with just my one girl when she is being non-stop whiny and i cant seem to accomplish anything and all I want is some peace and quiet and then i snap and then i feel soooo beyond guilty...I so get it! I think all moms do. Its the saying it out loud part thats hard. Because we aren't the only ones feeling this way. Some days i just want to be lazy and selfish and do nothing..but yeah that doesnt happen we are moms. It really is the hardest job out there. I used to laugh when people said that. I always thought ya right, how hard can it be...you just get to stay at home with your kids and hang out. UMMM YEAH...some days are such a challenge and I never thought about all the emotions that get mixed in there!

You are an awesome mom...creative or whiny...you ROCK!!

AND I SO GET IT ABOUT THE WEIGHT!! I cant even go there without tears and self loathing...

Formerly Gracie said...

Oh, Chelle! Can we please have a girls night out (in?) where commiserate over some... what else?... WINE because I am SO 100% right there with you.

Our girls are b-day buddies after all :-)

I'm told it gets better. It HAS to get better, right? Hang in there and please feel free to vent anytime. Hugs to you, sweetie!

COUNTRY MOM said...

Not crazy at all. We all have those days. I hope you feel better soon. You have a great blog. Love all the pink:) Blessings,

Heidi@TheCraftMonkey said...

Oh girl! You are SO not alone in this. My husband travels for work, and a lot of the time I feel like a single mom (and I have NO idea how they do it). I feel like I never get that "alone" time that he gets from work..haha, isn't that crazy. Sometimes, I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, read a magazine, paint my toenails..anything to "get away"...and my little Noah is usually standing on the other side of the door saying "mama", "mama"...LOL, so crazy. Can't even go to the bathroom alone...but, I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I know you wouldn't either and we are all allowed to feel bad and emotional. Hope you feel better in the morning. **hugs**

Patrice said...

So sorry things are rough right now! I'll be thinking of you and hoping things get better soon! :) *hugs*

Mommy Dear said...

Oh no! You are not alone, believe me! I have those days so often, too! It's not easy being a mommy!

And there are NO perfect mommies out there!!!

Feel better soon! :-)

Eve said...

This post made my heart go into my throat and I desperately want to crawl through the screen and give you a hug. Mostly because THANK GOD I'M NOT ALONE.

I very rarely voice what you just voiced because I feel if I voice it that makes me an EVEN WORSE mother!

I get jealous of Leo for getting time to himself--even if it's only driving to and from work--it's still time he has all. to. himself. Oh hell yes. HELL YES.

I feel bad for feeling bad!

I know! We must always be happy and greatful and creative and EVERYTHING.

Totally might cry just because I feel like someone else gets it. Of course it's not always that bad but I think I find those day particulalrly hard because I am the only mother amongst my friends. So NO ONE gets it.

I hope tomorrow is better for you xx

Kimi said...

Everything you just said is so totally normal. I am the same way and I think 90% of us are. We expect so much from ourselves! Seriously we all just need to cut ourselves a little slack. Soooo easier said than done.

Hugs...hope tomorrow is a better day!!!

Kristi said...

I wish I lived closer to you guys so I could help with the girls sometime so you can get some YOU time!! (Besides - I need the practice lol)

And you are NOT a debbie downer - you have a ton on your plate and you want to be the best mom you can be - and you are doing a great job!! Love you sis :)

Michelle said...

Chelle...are you sure this post wasn't written by this Shell??!! ;-)

I can relate sooooo much. Well, except my two are 8 and 6.

I hear ya 100% on everything you wrote about.

This is definitely every mom's inner battle...whether we care to admit it or not.

llespy said...

Chelle,
It definitely gets better. I remember when my kids were all little and I needed time to myself just to think. I waited til Scott got home and told him I was leaving for a bit. He had no idea where I was going and neither did I. I just drove down the street and parked the car. Listened to the radio for awhile, cried and got it all out. I felt so much better when I got home!!!
My kids are all teens now and there is still stress in raising them, but at least I get that me time that is so necessary to clear your head.
Just remember to forget about the things that are not important. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.
Love and hugs,
Lisa

LoveMy2Dogs said...

Oh, welcome to the world of being a mommy. I think all mommy's are right where you are at most of the time. We completely understand what you are going through. Take you a nice hot bath with a glass of wine and enjoy time alone....yeah right I know, impossible. Stay strong!!

amanda said...

crazy? far from it friend. and for the record if this makes you crazy - then i am right there with you. equally if not more crazy.

i can't imagine what having two is like...i only know one and she still leaves me besides myself some days.

we all go through this. promise.

sending extra love and hugs - xoxo

Kristin said...

HUGS Debbie we heart you!

haha!

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

Don't beat yourself up! You are the best mommy! I think we all go through this from time to time, I sure know that I have! It almost seems like a cycle where everything is perfect and seems so easy and then it all just crashes and you don't know if you will be able to keep juggling it all. It will get better, just take one day at a time! Tell Leo that you are needing a little you time and make yourself do something just for you! Sending hugs your way!

blueviolet said...

I felt terribly guilty about how I was spending my time. If I was talking to one, I felt like I was cheating the other. I like to think that it shows how much we love our children when the mommy guilt raises up.

Maythi said...

All completely normal feelings. Been there, done that. All we can do is our best and love our kids. You do that. They know that. It's obvious from your posts that your girls know you love them.

We have a family in town that has been through some very tough times. She started a blog when their second child was born. I read it every day to remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am. Not that I don't know it already, but sometimes, I need a kick in the booty. And her blog does it to me everytime. Check it out if you have time. They are an amazing family.
http://www.patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/

Maythi said...

All completely normal feelings. Been there, done that. All we can do is our best and love our kids. You do that. They know that. It's obvious from your posts that your girls know you love them.

We have a family in town that has been through some very tough times. She started a blog when their second child was born. I read it every day to remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am. Not that I don't know it already, but sometimes, I need a kick in the booty. And her blog does it to me everytime. Check it out if you have time. They are an amazing family.
http://www.patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/

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