I feel torn a lot of the time. Torn between spending quality time with both of my girls. Torn on feeling like sometimes I just feel like I'm the world's worst mom.
Now, I know that isn't true. Not true at all. But the honest truth is that I *think* I am too hard on myself. I sometimes *pretend* I am super mom and I can complete everything that needs to be completed. Resulting in me staying up way. too. late. As in it's already the next day by the time I collapse onto my bed.
Which results in me being tired. And if the girls are grouchy it makes me grouchy. I know that I am only human, but it doesn't make me feel any less lousy if I snap at Isabella for another battle. Whether it be changing her diaper, brushing her teeth, cleaning her nose, washing her hair, fixing her hair. Girlfriend makes it all a power struggle. And it exhausts me. Don't get me wrong--I love how headstrong she is. I love that she is up for challenges. But every single day? That itself is tiring. Most of the time she is happy, silly and a total sweetheart. But this week has been hard. I had thought that maybe she was getting sick because of the amount of screaming and crying...but, no, she's just having a bad week. My heart hurts that I can't do anything else to help her be *happy*...and my heart hurts even more when I snap at her to just stop.
And poor Madelyn. Today when I was loading her into the car I told her how sorry I was that Isabella sometimes doesn't understand that I'm her momma, too. That I'm sorry when Isabella scratches her because she is jealous of Maddie getting a few moments of mommy time. It breaks my heart and makes me tear up at writing any of this. Maddie is the sweetest and happiest baby that I've ever met. I'm not kidding. She is wonderful. And I thank God that she is so happy, so sweet. And I also believe that God just knows that I need that right now. I need someone to be appreciative...to smile at me even when she is upset due to being hungry, she still gives me that huge smile of hers.
And then because I am exhausted I get irritable with Leo for why can't he just pick Madelyn up instead of playing his stupid video games. I get jealous of Leo for getting time to himself--even if it's only driving to and from work--it's still time he has all. to. himself. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. But I also love remembering who I am. Regrouping. Clearing my head.
And then I cry...a lot...because of my weight. I hate it. I hate that it makes me this upset to see myself. I hate that when I see thin moms I get so jealous. I hate that I have hurt my knee with both running and the 30 day shred. I hate that it's raining a lot and I can't take the girls to go walk. I hate that I had swine flu and am finally feeling better. I know that crying won't solve anything. I know feeling like this won't do a thing. But it still sucks.
I feel bad for feeling bad! Crazy, right?! Crazy how hard I am on myself. Crazy that I am blessed beyond blessed to have so much good in my life and yet I still manage to find pity on things...
I'm not meaning to complain, I'm just trying to get these frustrations out so tomorrow when I wake up I'll be in a much better mood than today. And I think that it's worked. Because now I am going to bed. And going to wake up HAPPY.
Thanks for making it this far into reading this...sorry to be such a debbie downer!