No Matter What...

Here it is, the final day of January. I promised I would blog more.

And I obviously failed. I'm trying--baby steps, right? Trying to find time during my crazy, hectic life right now. It is hard, but I miss it. I miss pouring my thoughts out. It is a type of therapy.

So, for today's therapy I have a few things to get off of my mind and onto the screen. Maybe one day I will look back at this post and smile...smile that life has a funny way of working out no matter what you may be thinking at the time.

I would like to start off with an announcement....this baby in my belly?

Totally team BLUE. We are having a boy!

And in typical baby of the family fashion, he has made sure to make me aware that he is here all of the time.

When I was 5 weeks or so I was told I was miscarrying. I was devastated. Until after many appointments and blood draws later, guess what? Little babe was there, fighting away.

Fast forward to now. I opted to have the integrated screening blood draw performed in my 2nd trimester. This test can tell you if baby may have any abnormalities, etc. Some women take it so they can prepare themselves for anything that could be going on. I thought that I would appreciate knowing if something was different with Mason.

I thought wrong.

One week ago today I received a phone call from my OB. In typical pregnant mom fashion, I was napping. I let it roll over to voicemail and called her when I woke up.

I knew right away that she was going to tell me something about the stupid blood test. I knew it. Right then and there I wished I had never, ever had the screening test done.

I call her back and she gently tells me that my screening test came back positive for Down Syndrome. My chance of Mason having Down Syndrome went to 1 in 31. Those numbers terrified me. She reassured me that the anatomy scan was perfect, there can be false positives. But that made me feel guilty to be reassured.

I love Mason no matter what differences he may have. I cried. I called my mom bawling. I kept telling her I wish I never found out, because I will love him no matter what.

I go in on Monday (Feb 4th) for more testing. The good news? I get to see my little man on the big screen--a high tech ultrasound! They will look for any markers of Down Syndrome. They will offer me an amnio, but the *tiny* risk of miscarriage just isn't worth it. I pray that they will be able to perform the materniT21 blood test that has a high accuracy rate of checking for Down Syndrome. If they don't offer it, I will be okay with it.

I have had a lot of time this past week to think of Mason and the what-ifs. He is loved tremendously no matter how he is born. The day I found out my risks I mourned for the baby that I *thought* I was having. Does that make sense? But then I realized, even if he is born with Down Syndrome, that he will be so loved and he is so, so wanted. Nothing will make me EVER think differently.

This whole ordeal has made me see life through another window. Before I feel like my vision was clouded over...that I never understood how a simple blood draw, a few words could change your life in a matter of seconds. But mine did.

Mason may not have Down Syndrome. But if he does, well, he has it for a reason--we were chosen to be his parents for a reason, to love him unconditionally, which we will.

I will update as I find out more information...so until then, xoxo.