And I'm Outta Here...Randoms for the Road...

~I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow early in the a.m for Indiana...it's my first time away from both girls & under the circumstances I'm a little anxious right now {how happy am I that I went back to my old dosage of Effexor?!}. I can't wait to see my Dad at the airport and the rest of my family. I need them right now...

~Thank you SO much for your sweet words, prayers, thoughts. You have no idea how much it's meant to me in the past 23 hours. Have I told you how much I love you? I do--so, so much!

~Pretty sure I didn't sleep at all last nite. Tossed. Turned. Cried. Prayed. Talked to my Grandpa {do any of you do that? Talk to loved ones who have passed away?}. Then Bellie came to my room--and she tossed. And turned. *sigh* Hoping I sleep better tonite.

~I was at Kohl's for hours today trying to find outfits for the visitation and funeral. It was weird, but each time that I tried something on? I didn't feel like it was good enough for my Grandpa. Weird and stupid I know, but I just wanted the perfect outfits. Finally bought a couple of really pretty dresses...

~Tonite I was doing some photo editing of pictures with my Grandpa in them. I left Photoshop open while I was feeding Maddie--it had a picture of my Grandpa {Bellie called him Poppy} and she automatically came over and told me "Poppy! Mommy, it's Poppy. Poppy's sick, Mommy. Poppy sick." I tried my best to explain that Poppy wasn't sick anymore and that he is our angel in heaven watching over us now. She looked up at me and said "Feffen? Feffen, Mommy?". It took all I had to not start crying...instead I smiled and told her yes...Poppy? Is definitely in feffen.

~My amazing and super sweet friend brought us a homemade dinner tonite--she's amazing. I've hardly thought about food since everything has happened, so this? Was the sweetest and most caring act of kindness ever. She also brought over pasta and different sauces that would be easy for Leo to cook for him and the girls while I am away. Isn't she amazing?

~We had to turn our ac on tonite--it was 80 degrees in our house. At 8:30 at nite. With all of the windows and fans on. Insane, right? Barely into April and I was sweating like a....well, I was just hot.

~I'll be back on Saturday. I'll miss y'all--and can't wait to catch up once I return home. Thank you again for everything--I have the most amazing family and friends ever! <3

With the Angels

My Grandpa passed away this evening. He was one of the funniest people that I've ever met--I definitely see where my Dad gets his sense of humor from.

Please keep my Dad and my family in your thoughts and prayers. This has been a hard journey for us and I'm still in shock...I'm so, so sad right now.

I love you, Grandpa...I know you are soaring high with the angels.

Grandpa, May of 2008

*I'll be away from my computer for awhile...I'll let you all know when I'm back. Love you all and thank you all for your prayers through his battle with lung cancer. 

Prayers for an Amazing Man

It's been 14 months since I wrote this post.

The post where we learned my Grandpa has lung cancer.

14 months have gone by since that nite that I received the worst kind of news.

News that nobody ever ever wants to hear about someone they love.

My Grandpa is not doing very well.  I just found this out tonite.

A part of me always gets a little sick when the phone rings late at nite.  Or when you can just tell that something isn't the way it should be.

Such was the case when I talked to my Mom on the phone tonite.  She had text me to see if I had gotten her text.  {Isabella broke my BlackBerry's ball...ugh.}.

I could just tell it was about my Grandpa.

I don't want to go into a lot right now.  Just know that he has Stage 4 small cell lung cancer.  And he has been fighting so, so hard for 14 months.

He is a hero.  A man who is so funny--he loves life.  Loves his family.  Loves the Cubs.

Can you remember to say a prayer for him?  Add him to your prayer list?

I could never thank you enough for thinking of us and praying for him.  I have seen the power of prayer work before.  I know prayer can do an amazing thing for someone, for a family.

Thank you, friends.  I could never, ever tell you how much you touch my heart.

An Angel in Heaven.

Leo's grandpa passed away this evening at 7:40.

Please send prayers and thoughts to his family and ours during this difficult time.

Timing

Timing is everything.

I have always believed this.

We were supposed to go and see my Grandpa this weekend.

My Grandpa who is doing his best in fighting lung cancer.

Of all the weeks to be sick, Isabella has a fever. I have a fever. Again.

We were planning on seeing my Mom, Dad and little sisters as they were going to go there, too.

Now we don't get to see anyone.

My Grandpa's health is so much more important to me than my selfishness in wanting to see everyone.

I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I intentionally set out to Indiana to see him while knowing we weren't healthy....which would compromise his health. I just. can't. do it.

Our next chance to see him will be Thanksgiving weekend.

Here's hoping that timing will be on our side in November....

Cancer. Just. Go. Away.

My Grandpa saw the doctors today.

My eyes have been a non-stop tearfest since.

I.can't.stop.crying.

I am going from devastated. To pissed off at cancer and why cancer even exists. To in shock.

And the cycle keeps.repeating.itself.

My heart is torn to pieces.

It's breaking from the pain.

To imagine what my poor Grandpa is going through.

And my poor Dad.

Cancer has not been kind to a lot of people I know.

And I just want it.to.go.away.

Here is an excerpt from my mom's e-mail to us tonight:

"Anyway, as we suspected it is not good news. They said it's Stage 4, small cell cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes around his pancreas (I didn't even know we had lymph nodes there) and it's also in his bones.Without chemo, they would expect him to live only 2-4 months. With chemo, they really don't know because they don't know how the cancer will react. They're starting treatments tomorrow (Friday). "

So, as you read this, could you spare a prayer?

Please? For my Grandpa? For my Dad?

Because we really need them.

I cannot stop crying. I am sitting here with the tears falling down my face.

I love you, Grandpa. And I am here praying my hardest for you.

And Dad? I am praying for you, too.

Thank you for the prayers.

And sorry this post was all over the place.

(((Hugs)))