Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Pouring it Out...One Glass at a Time...



I know I've talked about it before, but for the record after I had Isabella I had postpartum depression. Miserable, miserable stuff.

I got placed on Effexor after trying Zoloft and being unable to take that. We started out slowly until I finally got to a dosage that was comfortable for me.

I've been on that dose for 2 years now. Effexor saved my life. My family's life. And probably my marriage, too. I don't want to go into a lot of details, but it was a dark and lonely place for me. It should have been the most joyous time of my life. And yet at that time I was the saddest that I had ever been.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago. I had been feeling amazing, happy, on top of the world. I decided to go and see my provider to slowly start weaning myself off of the Effexor. She seemed a little hesitant at first but I reassured her that I? Totally wanted to this--that I could do this. So we cut my dose in half. I felt so confident that it was the right time. I thought I would be great--better than before.

I'm telling you...it was the worst decision of my life. I called her yesterday to be asked to go back to the old dose. I could feel myself slipping back. And I hated it. The anger, the crying. Horrible.

I try to remain as upbeat and positive as I can on my blog. It's my happy place--where I can always count to go and smile. I just felt like I needed to get this out and off my chest. And I know once I hit publish? I will feel a lot better...and after all, it is Pour Your Heart Out over at Shell's. So what better time and place than now, right?

Thanks {as always} for listening to my rambling thoughts. Heart each and every one of you!

And remember to click on the button at the top of my post to visit Shell--I l-o-v-e love her. She's awesome and I know you all will heart her, too {if you don't already}.

43 comments:

Ali @ Mommie Life said...

I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you then and now. My heart goes out to you. I hope all is well and that you feel a little better now after letting it out on your bloggie! :)
Writing on my blog always makes me a little happier, which may be why I have been known to do 3, yes 3 posts in one day! :)
Love you!!

Much More Than Mommy said...

Your post just struck a nerve -- in a good, but also kind of scary, way. I am taking something supersuper mild for anxiety (SUPER mild), but lately have wondered if I might need more. You said anger. You said crying. I said, "That's me." (Sometimes -- but often enough that I notice.) Thank you for putting this out there!

Tara said...

You have our ears whenever you want to let it out! Happy or sad. =)

We live in a Zoo! said...

Depression rots dangit! Sorry you have to suffer from it :(
PS-I love Shell too ;D

amanda said...

i am proud of you for calling her back. i just read another post about a mama who after her baby turned five she tried to ease off...and it just didn't work.

there is nothing wrong with the little happy pill - in fact i think they should send us home from the hospital with a starter kit. you know along with the big old pads and the fancy underwear :)

Adrienne said...

I felt this post so very close to home I am going through it with my best friend after having her baby ...she is on the same thing and thinks that some how she is a bad person ...I am a firm believer we all need help sometimes and that medication can be a good thing when taken correctly ...You are wonderful and you do what you need to do to stay wonderful

Amanda said...

I was on Zoloft. I'm off now and got off because I was pregnant. I've been okay, but at times I wonder if I should be back on it. When I feel really good, sometimes I can feel a dark cloud shifting in and then I want to turn to my blog and scare everybody off LOL.

(((HUGS)))

Heather McDougle said...

Going off medicine can be so scary. When I got weaned off zoloft in college, it was so scary. I was having daily panic attacks and not sleeping. I was having lots of problems. I am glad you called your doctor back and am getting back on it.

casey aubut said...

Congrats on doing what works for you. I totally understand how you felt back then. I had it bad after my daughter and felt like the most horrible mom ever. My son was only 12 months when she was born and I was so overwhelmed and just slipped really far down. The only reason I didnt get on something is because of a family history of getting beyond hooked and addicted- so I never could bring myself to do it. Thankfully it evened out!

BTW- I adore you! Everyday you make my day with your cute comments and I swear one of these days- you and I have to meet up! :)

Heather @ Gerber Days said...

That is so sad that you had to deal with postpartum! I didn't deal with that (just a little baby blues) but I know that it is real, and that the people who suffer from it have such a hard time! Sorry you had to go through all of that!! I'm glad you have found something that helps you feel "normal" and back to yourself! You always seem super upbeat to me. ;)

Rebecca D said...

(((Chelle)))
Oh hon, I am so sorry... I too suffered with postpardom depression... it can be dibilitating... I look back at pictures of Cate's early days and wonder who that smiling person in the photos was, I was so deeply sad...
I am so sorry you are going through this... you don't always have to be positive with us... we love you! I am glad you trusted us to know this side of you, and where your struggles are.
You are by far the sweetest, most encouraging person I have met in the bloggy world... keep your chin up and bravo for you for doing what you need to in order to be the best you!
Lov ya!

Chrissy MacCEO said...

You are SO not alone. You are doing something so beneficial to your overall welll-being, and that's honorable. I need to get back on meds, but I can't bring myself to do it. Mainly because I know it's a decision I'll need to stick with for a very long time. I give you a great deal of credit for admitting this to us.

Sending a BUG HUG your way
XOXO
Chrissy

Melissa said...

I'm sorry that you seemingly need the medicine. It would be wonderful if you didn't, but at least you have the medicine and can be happy.

Without it, you would be in a much worse position (and it's obvious that you know that).

Good luck with the depression. I know it isn't easy, it's a constant struggle. You just have to fight it and you will win.

Jenny said...

Chelle..I totally know where you are coming from. I have a history of anxiety/depression, which kind of runs in the family and it is no fun. Especially when you try and get off the meds. One day you will be able to do it...or gradually come off of it. But take your time.

There is nothing wrong with helping yourself.

Heather said...

I had no idea you struggled with this, and find it so great that you can share it with all of us. I'm just glad to hear that you have found something that works for you, because I really enjoy your blog and have enjoyed 'meeting' you. If you refused to try different things or didn't find something that worked, you probably wouldn't be doing this, and that would be unfortunate.

Loukia said...

Oh sweetie, hugs. Very brave of you to write this post, and I'm sorry for your PPD that you had. I'm glad you found a solution, though, and recognized that you needed to go back to what you were taking before. It's important for us all to take care of ourselves, and to make sure we are doing what is right for us, you know? You're an awesome person and a great mom and we are all always here for you! xo

Erin said...

{{{HUGS}}}

All I can say is kudos to you for knowing your symptoms and being treated for them. I know it must be hard.

Krystyn said...

I can't even imagine how hard it was for you. I'm so glad you recognized it and sought help...I hear that is the hardest.

And, then recognizing that decreasing the dose wasn't working for you.

HUGS.

My Mercurial Nature said...

I'm medicated for life, though I don't always accept it...it's reality. So ((HUGS)), understanding, and a shoulder are always here if you need them. Hey, you can be funny and pour your heart out all at the same time!

Lindsay said...

oo girl I could have written parts of this post.. It wasn't after Sammy was born but in college. It was an ugly time... My dr. prescribed paxil.. it didn't help much.. then I didn't go see her to learn how to wean off of the stuff. I just stopped taking it. I broke down, screaming crying crazy mess about having to write a 1 page paper on something I know a TON about.. Luckily Tim was there and talked me down from the edge so to speak.. Depression is some crazy stuff! Thanks for pouring your guts out! I heart you as well!

blueviolet said...

It's a huge thing that you recognize it and that you're doing something to help it from slipping further. I use one too and it keeps me whole!

Love ya, girl!

Messy Mommy said...

I've finally accepted that I'm going to be on happy pills forever. It's worth it. I'm on Zoloft and it's working great for me. Doc sent me home with the prescription when I went home from the hospital with The Baby. I've enjoyed this baby so much more than I was able to enjoy my others. I know that sounds horrible but my head was just not in the right place with the first two.

Anti-Supermom said...

I think your blog should be about whatever you want it to be. I sometimes get worried when I post something out of character - then I say 'heck with it, it's my blog!'.

Good for you on knowing what you need to find success and happiness. Chelle, I'm proud of you!

Bubble said...

What a very brave, courageous, lovely lady you are. You hold your head high i think you are an inspiration. Lots of love x

Mrs.Mayhem said...

You should feel proud of yourself for understanding that you needed medication in the first place. It also takes a a lot of strength to remain on the medication.

I had horrible postpartum depression after baby #4, but refused to acknowledge it. I wish I had found the strength to admit that I wasn't superwoman.

Good luck with everything.

Jewls said...

I like these types of posts...the ones where you remember that other people are human and not everyone's life is a fairytale! I hope that eventually you can cut the dose with no problems! :)

Cassie said...

awww i can only imagine everything you've been going through! but know that everyone in blog land is here for you even if just by leaving a comment and i always enjoy reading your blog!! :))

Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

Oh mama....do you and I need to talk. Been there....I know that dark passenger. I might have to go hit publish on my post about this...as well as the SHIT that is effexor. I am glad it saved yours as it almost ruined mine! Love ya!

Midday Escapades said...

So glad you poured your heart out. I also recently started taking something to help me and I am glad for it. We should never feel ashamed to get some assistance. Love ya and hugs!

The Mommyologist said...

There are so many people who go through this and I commend you for speaking out!! I was on Paxil for a while in college, and my doctor described it as throwing me a life preserver if I were drowning...and that made so much sense to me!

Bradley & Jessica said...

I know what you mean. I am on effexor right now and have been for a year. honestly dont know what I would do without it. it saved my life and my marriage.

Shell said...

What an honest post! It's a scary thing to go off meds. Just remember that it's okay to be on them. That if you feel better on them, then stay on them!

I love you, honey!

Shell said...

Oh, and I'm totally linking you up right now. I almost missed your post. I think that it's one that other women need to read. It's a common struggle.

Tiffany said...

It takes a strong woman to ask for help and if taking the medicine works for you then so be it.
Don't feel horrible for having to go back to the regular dose, all in due time. Glad you shared this about yourself, that took lots of strength and courage.

purseblogger said...

Thank you for sharing this. It did take a lot of strength and courage. You are a wonderful example.

Angie said...

No shame in getting help when you need it! It is great that you recognized it and were able to seek help. A lot of people can't do that.

Beth said...

I hated the day that I had to sit in my doctor's office and tell him the only 2 emotions I could find were sorrow and anger and I was sick of it! I had resisted for so long but had drifted far enough into the pit that I knew it was affecting every part of my life! Amazing what a difference a little pill can make. I've thought about trying to cut the dose but I'm a little scared. :(

mrs. parker said...

oh my. this post could have been written by. except trade your med. for mine. and that i haven't been on it for two years yet. as SOON as i started to feel better i wondered when was the right time to think about getting off. (i've been on since nov.- i think if ound this new dose was right for me in january?!) i DO NOT want to go back to feeling that anxious fear gripping me and that rage boiling inside of me!! Thanks for sharing , it helps to hear how others manage long term!!!!!!

Holly said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I had bad post partum after my son...and what is totally scary is that we are smart, informed people and we didn't even see it happening. It seeped into everything in our lives. When I had my daughter we were totally on the look out for the signs...but things were much, much better. Glad yo have a doctor that is on it.

Alyssa said...

I am sure this is very hard for you. We all have our heartaches... This too shall pass and remember God is always with you (not a preacher I promise)

Bombtastic Belle said...

You're amazing, remember that - no ones perfect (and, really, who want to be?) and you're obviously doing a great job with those two beautiful girls of yours. You're responsible, and you realized that, hey, right now it's the best time and you made the best decision for you. That's what matters. :)

Becks said...

So sucky you had to go through that hard time. I think sometimes that I probably should have been on something too. I remember feeling so sad and depressed for no reason. I always just tried to shake it off and ignore/deny my emotions. It put a strain on my marriage because I was so down. I always put on a happy face for others so no-one really knew. It wasn't until I went back on the pill (when Sophia was around 22 months) that I started to feel a veil lift. I felt sooo much happier. Just that little bit of hormones helped so much!! I know I didn't have a severe case but I know I had some sort of depression. It makes me so sad that I never dealt with it and thankful that it never got severe.

Sometimes it's so hard for moms to show that they are having a hard time. We expect to just be naturals and have all the answers. Talking about it to other woman makes you realize you are not alone and hopefully that will make new moms in the future be more aware and not ashamed of feeling the way they do....

Big hugs!! So happy you are feeling goood now and enjoying those precious girls of yours!! <3

SupahMommy said...

AWww... it saved my marriage too. And me.
:)

I'm meant to be on it. And my life is better for it.
xoxoxo
supah